Why Do Millennials Hate Milk?

It’s now popular knowledge that millennial tastes are the undoing of the current world order. Nothing is safe from the cruel poshness of millennial tastes, not even cereal.

A recent study reveals that millennials hate cereal. That’s right Tony the Tiger and Cap’n Crunch, the very cheerleaders that fuelled our youth are now dying at the hands of our artisanal and gluten free tastes. A serious issue that has sent a bunch of MBA brand managers at General Mills and Kellogg in tizzy because who the fuck will be the future market for Grape Nuts, Just Right and Raisin Bran and all the pseudo make you shit cereals, if millennials just keep chomping down on locally sourced fucking oats until the next trendy grain revival comes along. Quinoa, freekeh and farro have been having a good run, but its a matter of time before they reach the millennial gauntlet as well.

But I fear that all the cereal mongering as of late has been deflecting our attention from a greater social issue; the undoing of the entire milk industry. If cereal sales are down, then surely milk sales are also down ( what is next, spoons and bowls too?)Who better a better a bedfellow to a bowl of froot loops than a hefty pour of full-fat milk? The world is an interconnected place, and what comes after the unravelling of cereal, comes the unravelling of milk. What are we going to do with the excess of milk producing cows when baby boomers can no longer support them?

If you need proof, take a look at the goddam shopping cart of anyone under 30. Almond milk, cashew milk, soy milk, coconut milk. These absurd imposters grace the carts and fridges of millennials who eschew Honeycombs and Sugar Crisp for overnight oats and granola. What is even more worrying is that according to Nielsen alternative milk sales are one of the fastest growing segments of the the food and beverage industry and the habits of millennial are trickling upwards towards baby boomers where sales of alternative milks and artisanal coffees are also skyrocketing. What’s next… A McDonald’s “barista” , with a beard and geometric tattoos named Hunter, serving you a craft almond milk latte?Since when did we all become lactose intolerant, sugar averse sissies.

In order to support the very people who pull an udder for a living, I suggest a few marketing plays to appeal to a millennial market.

  1. Appeal to Nostalgia.

Listen up. Everyone knows that millennials love things that make them feel attached to a past they never belonged to, or even remember. Millennials also love to escape the uncertainty and tedium of their adult lives, by basking in the nostalgia of a mythicized past. Conjure memories of tiny milk boxes sipped by kindergarten children with faux 90’s nostalgia. Bring back the “got milk” moustaches. Symbolism of udders linking them to a mother’s breast a symbol of life-giving affection and coddling.

2. Make milk a luxury good. We keep viewing milk as an everyday necessity, and not a luxury good, that adds a splash of richness and decadence to our everyday. I call for the revival of the milk bucket and the milk bottle. Men in large beards and vintage aprons, carefully filtering and pasteurizing milk for optimum flavour. A flavour, tasting and pairing guide to milk. Slap on trendy labels in Helvetica. Tell the story of the everyday man who escaped the rat race to bring high quality milk to the masses. Introduce terms like “double filtered”, and “extra stirred” which add “notes of elderflower” to the milk. Always charge a premium.

3.Create “cereal burritos” for the millennial on the go lifestyle. The New York Times uncovered that millennials just aren’t that into cereal because it’s no convenient. They’d rather chomp a 7 $ burrito on the way to their job at a tech startup, than pour milk and use a spoon and wash dishes. I call for a large burrito shaped pod, filled with milk and with the cereal already in it, so millennials can hold and sip a “cereal burrito” on the way to work. This also offers the opportunity of cross- promoting and saving both the cereal and milk industry at the same time! Win-win.

4. Promise that milk will make them big and strong and get them a job and a partner and a house. This is what every millennial really wants at the ends of the day right? Why can’t milk be the answer?

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