What we’ve got here is….failure to communicate
Life is not like movies. It never has been and never will be. If only if only the woodpecker’s sighs. I’m constantly reminding myself of this unfortunate fact. When things go wrong in life with no where to turn and I ignorantly expect there to be a glitch in the matrix and things to turn around the next day, surprise! They don’t. “I’ve seen one too many movies.” I often state to my girlfriend when I want things to be a certain way only to have my desires swept aside by bloody hands time can’t deny. I’m speaking in quotes for this post apparently. Don’t sue!
I’m a lot like my dad. Here’s how: we both firmly and stubbornly believe that the world would be a better place with even a sprinkle of our common sense thrown into the mixture, and who’s to say we’re wrong? Who’s to say we’re right? I don’t know I just work here. We’re a lot alike when people annoy us especially. When other people do things that hurt us we each spend parts of the day and most nights in our beds going through the what ifs and what the fucks. My guess is we’ve both spent the past few months, despite our best efforts to resist, going through these cycles over my sister. She’s not living at the house anymore. She’s off somewhere doing who knows what with her sorry excuse of a boyfriend. As I’ve stated in previous posts: she’s only 17. He’s 18, a high school dropout and last I heard he was working at a donut shop on 3rd shift. He’s also not welcome at his parents house so I guess to some degree they’re perfect for each other. They both managed to somehow remove their sensitivity chips for anyone but themselves. I’m bitter, angry, frustrated, and overall terrified over what’s going to happen to my sister.
The difference between most movies and reality is in a movie when something goes wrong there’s a cause behind it. In reality with my sister situation there’s no logical explanation to be found. That’s what’s most frightening about reality. People are constantly doing and saying things for the sake of doing and saying them. I’ve gone over it again and again in my head, swirling the contents around like a blender hoping that an answer will eventually float to the surface. It hasn’t, and this metaphorical protein shake I’ve been making for months became stale a long time ago.
I’m certain I’ve been asking the same questions that my dad has in our mental gymnastics sessions: “Did I do something wrong?” “Could I have prevented this?” Etc. Etc. The answers to those questions are simple: no. It’s not like either of us abused my sister or caused her some kind of traumatic pain. We did the best we could. Heck my whole family has. There’s just no reaching her right now. Maybe not ever. That’s another scary thing about life. Unlike in movies some people just never learn. Never apologize. Never make up for the rights they’ve wronged. I’ve gone through the same thing with a former good friend of mine who served our country and has PTSD. I tried my best to be there for him. I even drove him to the hospital when he tried to overdose one night. Rounded up a suicide prevention posse made up of our old friend group and everything. Still. He refused to get help and try to better himself after that, and he did nothing except bring everyone down with him. So I had to distance myself from him and now I have to do the same thing with my sister.
Despite how 100% right one person can be to another, despite telling them to their face exactly what they need to hear, they’ll only listen if they choose to. I’ve been trying to work that unfortunate fact into my brain as well, but alas, the truth stings something fierce. I’ve basically through my anger have begun to mourn the loss of my sister even though she’s still alive, but like my dad I look at things realistically, and realistically, with the way things are going with her, it’s only a matter of time before she either gets arrested or overdoses again. Unlike movies, happy endings aren’t just meant to grab ahold of some individuals despite the situation. Our endings in life depend, in this blogger’s opinion, on the choices we make. If you keep making bad decisions there’s only one way things are going to end, and it ain’t pretty. No matter what angle you look at it, it’s like a bad piece of art that you desperately want to grab ahold of you. You keep looking at it up and down, side to side. You even do a head stand to see what it looks like upside down, but unfortunately, it’s all the same. Ugly, over dramatized, soul sucking in the worst way. You hope that some day the artist will go back and redo it. Make it into something worth absorbing, but only they have the tools. So you’re forced to walk away, turn your attention to other things, and with your last shred of hope believe that there’s always a chance you’ll see the same piece of art again some day. Only this time it will make you cry with relief, and realize that the first time you saw it was a step to something much better.
