Illustration by Isaac Benavidez (

USA now leading exporter of heavy sighs

Also way up: exports of fear, uncertainty, lengthy Facebook posts.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A report filed this morning by Treasury Secretary Jack Lew showed that heavy sigh production has skyrocketed across the United States in the days following the election of Donald Trump to the presidency. “With the market downturn, at least we have this, I guess,” Secretary Lew said before sighing heavily himself. “Oh, there’s one now,” he continued, forcing a laugh and a half smile before finally settling into a thousand-yard stare. Production of thousand-yard stares was also up, according to the Secretary’s report.

Julianne Gutierrez, Stanford University professor of economics, has observed that homemade heavy sighs are leading the surge of exported exhalations. “It’s incredible, many of my students have been creating heavy sighs right here in the classroom,” she told the Associated Press. “I had to stop a lecture yesterday because I couldn’t be heard over the heavy sighs of my students.” Gutierrez then just kind of shrugged, “I don’t know, it’s just…” she trailed off. When asked for further comment, Gutierrez mailed an audio tape of her own heavy sighs to our office. [Ed. note: The tape is unpublishably depressing. However, the recorded heavy sighs should do well on the international market.]

Sources are unsure as to which countries are purchasing the exported heavy sighs, although some suspect that Russia is involved. Secretary Lew dismissed this claim. “They’re a chief exporter of heavy sighs themselves, they have been for years,” Secretary Lew said, eyes fixed on the middle distance. “Now we’re the same,” he sighed again, and returned to packing his office into a banker’s box. It is unknown who Donald Trump will appoint as Secretary of the Treasury, but it is likely that person will have never sighed in their life.

Follow Reid O’Conor as he sighs heavily into the void: @reidock

Let Isaac Benavidez’s work inspire you to sigh pleasantly: @bienvenidez

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