💯 TYPES OF FUCKBOYS

or, a non-exhaustive who’s-who sampler



1. Donald Trump
2. Peter Thiel
3. Martin Shkreli
4. Kanye West
5. the cast of Jersey Shore
6. anybody from New Jersey
7. Deplorables
8. gymrats
9. hoodrats
10. subway rats
11. neckbeard virgins
12. Westboro Baptist Church 
13. the KKK
14. Islamophobes
15. anti-Semites
16. #AllLivesMatter
17. #BlueLivesMatter
18. #WhiteLivesMatter
19. #BlackLivesMatter critics
20. Bill Cosby
21. ISIS
22. Dane Cook 
23. Chicago deep-dish “pizza”
24. girls who don’t eat sushi
25. wallahbros
26. tech bros
27. do-you-even-lifters
28. console gamers
29. Mike Pence
30. Chris Christie
31. Jeff Sessions
32. David Duke
33. Ben Carson 
34. Dinesh D’Souza
35. Michelle Malkin
36. Ann Coulter
37. Pamela Geller
38. Justin Bieber
39. Omar Mateen 
40. Bill Maher
41. Sam Harris 
42. Maajid Nawaz 
43. Glenn Beck 
44. Frank Gaffney
45. Zuhdi Jasser
46. Roger Ailes
47. Peter King 
48. Mike Huckabee
49. Michele Bachmann
50. Sarah Palin
51. Bill Clinton
52. Tomi Lahren
53. Kellyanne Conway
54. Corey Lewandowski
55. Paul Manafort
56. Scott Baio
57. Sajid Tarar
58. mansplainers
59. #KillAllMen
60. Hulk Hogan
61. Nick Denton
62. Steve Bannon
63. the Red Sox
64. tourists
65. VCs
66. slow walkers
67. slow talkers
68. slow drivers
69. Bloods
70. Crips
71. fake lips
72. hips, that lie
73. tips, under 15%
74. vapers
75. wantrepreneurs
76. the tone police
77. outrage porn addicts
78. SJWs
79. Nazis
80. safety pin allies
81. Rudy Giuliani
82. hipsters
83. Brooklyn transplants
84. hashtag slacktivists
85. Instagram models
86. Snapchat reality stars
87. Internet celebrities
88. Ivy Leaguers
89. most Muslims
90. guys with shiny hair
91. girls on Tinder
92. collar poppers
93. Catfish on OKCupid
94. most of your relatives
95. most of your friends
96. most of your pets
97. most of your exes
98. most of your baes
99. most of your bosses
100. the girl who broke my heart

new selfie, same SF Ali

CALLS TO ACTION

1. Recommend this story. It helps others see the story, lets me know my work is worth writing, reading and recommending and makes me feel validated and fuzzy, because honestly, whose cold, dead heart isn’t instantly thawed and revived by the dizzying dopamine of notifications? Like, share, retweet, lather, rinse, repeat. Also, the doctors say if I don’t feel fuzzy, I’ll die, due to a rare deficiency in social currency triggered whenever my Klout score drops below 70. It’s 67 right now. Not a good look. Do you want me to die?! Didn’t think so.
2. Share this story: Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, email, etc.
3. Connect with me: Medium, Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Instagram, Snapchat, Product Hunt, AngelList, Quora and Quibb. (I think that’s all of them!) Write me via email too! Call or text if you want. (917) 982–3849. I’m always happy to make new friends, listen, support, and be helpful in any way I can. That’s why I’m Medium’s resident cheerleader, duh! :)
4. Read my writing. Join my mailing list. Champion future work by considering compensation for my intellectual labor.
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