TRUMP SUFFERERS, HAVE YOU CONSIDERED DEMONIC POSSESSION?
Demonic possession occurs when individuals are possessed by malevolent preternatural beings, commonly referred to as demons, devils or Pepe the Frog.
Because demonic possessions often include vomiting, convulsions, fits, the sudden appearance of lesions or bite marks, our culture views them as, well, evil and unwanted. But did you know they are also accompanied by many lesser known side effects that may be viewed as beneficial in our new political reality? The following is just a partial list of the many ways Demonic Possession can help you deal with our Infernal Toddler In Chief.
NEWS-RELATED DEPRESSION A THING OF THE PAST. A person suffering from demonic possession will find that exposure to ‘truth’ (including accurately reported news) presents a range of sensations varying from repugnance to horror. This, while inconvenient, can also be advantageous. Leaving aside the debate over ‘real news’ versus ‘fake news’; no sane person could disagree that fleeing the daily, never-ending torrent of shit-show political coverage can only be a net gain with a Trump administration. Hail Satan!
DID SOMEONE SAY ‘KNOWLEDGE’? Access to hidden knowledge including the sudden ability to speak foreign, dead or demonic languages is a common occurrence in demonic possession. The upside? Suddenly, confusing terms like…‘cuck, ‘antifa’, ‘deep state’, ‘Kekistan’, ‘red pill’, ‘libtard’ and ‘proud boys’ will automatically make sense to you. Thanks, Asmodeus!
‘NEXT LEVEL’ SOCIAL MEDIA In the most extreme cases, demonic possession leads to outbursts of fury, normally accompanied by blasphemy or insults directed toward, well, just about anyone or anything. So, basically…Twitter. Demonic possession combined with a Twitter account is, quite simply, a magic formula for first rate pot-stirring, shit talking and of course, 9th circle-level trolling. So sit back, let The Great Demon-Lord Moloch, The Abomination of the Children of Ammon tweet on your behalf and watch your followers increase!
SWEET, SWEET OBLIVION! In the most acute episodes of demonic possession, the possessed loses consciousness. When the person regains consciousness, they remember nothing; they have total amnesia. Imagine, having no memory of November 8th, covfefe, Muslim bans, Neil Gorsuch, Russian influence, firing James Comey, nepotism, Steve Bannon, Fire & Fury, ‘good people on both sides’, Betsy DeVos, Pocahontas, etc. Sign me up Malephar the Wicked!
A NEW JOB! Unemployed Trump suffers might, out of sheer desperation, take advantage of the following side effect of possession: Possible employment in the Trump Administration! Victims of possession often feel as if an alien presence is operating their bodies. This ‘alien presence’ always has an evil character accompanied by a twitching of facial muscles and hands, rigidity in the body and in many cases, the sudden appearance of a matronly strand of pearls. This animating presence uses it’s power for one purpose: to articulate lies full of hate and rage. Anyone interested in leveraging demonic possession into a job working for Priestess of Lies, Teller of Untrue Tales, Huckabaal Xandarz may apply for employment at whitehouse.gov.
SOUNDS GOOD! BUT HOW I GET POSSESSED? It’s easy! Possession is brought on by making an ‘invitation’ to the infernal plane. Luckily, this can be done easily, just use your imagination. A couple of thought starters: try a midnight Senate Chamber Ouija board session while chanting “Niaga taerg acirema ekam!” or reading The Art of the Deal backwards while standing in front of your bathroom mirror in the dark.
Ask your your doctor or any Breitbart editor if you think demonic possession is right for you.
