This Weak in Politics Vol. LV
December 22, 2016
In a week of assassinations, Electoral College voting, international drone incidents, terrorist attacks and the death of Zsa Zsa Gabor (more on her later,) President-Elect Trump has spent a significant portion of his week twitter bragging that his historically small hands…err…election, was in fact a massive mandate (No, Sen. Graham, “massive man-date does not mean what you think it does.) The president-elect repeatedly tweeted about his historic landslide, thanking the American people, among whom he was the second most popular choice of the two major candidates running, for their “overwhelming vote to elect me.” In his defense, of the 4 presidents who lost the popular vote, Trump did finish 3rd in terms of electoral college victory (take that crooked Rutherford!), but first in terms of size of defeat (and last in size of dehands). In other words, if you grade on a curve Donald Trump is the third skinniest kid at 4-person fat camp.
All that said, it seems the President-elect, who finished second in voting, is really troubled by the fact that he finished second in voting. We will do our best to be respectful of his discomfort from not being the lead vote getter by minimizing the amount of times we mention his finishing second. To a girl.
In news not related to Trump getting fewer votes than his opponent, the president-elect continued to round out his cabinet and key diplomatic posts this week. One of the more attention grabbing appointees was David Friedman for US Ambassador to Israel.
Friedman’s claim to fame, aside from his fringe views on Israel, is that he is a bankruptcy lawyer. So the President-Elect, the “brilliant” and “successful” businessman has nominated a bankruptcy attorney, with whom he is professionally acquainted, to a key diplomatic post.
Some would argue that that last sentence is just our attempt at taking a gratuitous shot at the president-elect. So in fairness to Trump, we should clarify: Friedman only handled Trump’s New Jersey bankruptcies. The majority, but not the remainder, of his other bankruptcies were handled by George Miller. And, again, in fairness, there was at least one other attorney involved in those bankruptcies as the lawyers felt the client, whom we won’t name for fear of twitter-reprisals, (but it rhymes with Tonald Drump, fecond slace pinisher) had such a problem with lying that it was best to have multiple attorneys involved. See? No gratuitous shots.
For Americans, this week also marked some closure, as it featured the quadrennial meeting of the Electoral College (“quadrennial” adj. From Latin “quad” meaning “every 4th year” and “rennial” meaning “we do this antiquated thing for who the fuck knows why.”
The Electoral College doesn’t really “meet” and it is neither electoral nor a college. That’s how it got its name and that’s why we still use it today. The august body (which “meets” in December) was designed as a protective force to make sure we don’t have some sort of foreign-supported demagogue becoming President of the United States. We hope this clarifies things for you.
As a result of the Electoral College certification, Donald J. Trump (whom, it should be said, finished second behind Hillary Clinton in votes) will indeed be the next President of the United States.
Despite not yet being sworn in, Trump allies are already starting his 2020 re-election campaign. A Super PAC has even been formed by his most ardent supporters, who named the PAC “United States SuperPac for Re-election (USSR). They also formed a 501-C4 educational entity called the “Committee for Continuing Conservative Principles (CCCP).”
But before we begin the re-election, there is the reality of now — the President Elect is set to be sworn in for his first term in 30 days. HOLY SHIT! 30 Days????? (note to self: edit this out before publishing).
As President, it is clear Trump is going to pick some fights quickly. He seems poised to wage war on political correctness, soft Republicans who opposed him, bad trade deals, Alec Baldwin and China.
He also seems eager to wage war on those who would wage war on Christmas.
Trump has vowed that when he is President we will be saying “Merry Christmas” again “at every store” and that we will leave “Happy holidays” out on the corner.
We can only assume that this harkens to the good old days when men, unencumbered by political correctness, could say a heartfelt “Merry Christmas” in the stores, before grabbing women by the pussy.
But we digress.
Trump’s Christmas pledge seems to be one of the few pledges he plans on keeping — even going so far as to emblazon podium signs with Merry Christmas,” during his “na, na, na, na, na, …fuck you, I won” tour.
For those of you heathens who don’t know the Christmas story, it is the story of an unwed, expectant-with-child, middle-eastern couple, who made a great journey to fill out government forms and pay their taxes. They were able to move across great swaths of land because borders didn’t have…well, walls…or documentation requirements. The couple arrived in Bethlehem, took advantage of same-day registration, then headed to their manger thingy. They had the child, a Bethlehem anchor baby if you will, who grew up to become a community organizer and advocate for the poor who would go on to change world. It all started on that one dark December night. Trump loves the story because, well...it’s good for…the stores.
And speaking of dark nights, the Internet was abuzz this week with news that December 2oth was the darkest night in 500 years. Turns out the story was false (shocker of shockers that the Internet got something wrong in 2016). So despite what your Facebook feed told you, December 20th was not the darkest night centuries. That distinction is still held by the night of November 8, 2016. Though this being a divided country, that is only true for Clinton supporters. For Trump supporters the darkest night was January 1, 1863, and for other Trump supporters it was April 30, 1945. (No…we are not going to do your homework for you…look it up yourself. Unless you are @KatyTurNBC, in which case you can pose your query here.
In non-political news of the week, marriage/divorce legend Zsa Zsa Gabor died again.
This time it was particularly troubling as she was rumored to be Donald Trump’s pick for agriculture secretary, based on her extensive experiences on “Green Acres.” When reporter Katy Tur pointed out that it was actually Zsa Zsa’s sister, Eva Gabor who starred in the show, Trump responded “look…which one of us won a historic mandate?” causing the crowd to once again start their “Lock Tur up!” chant. We tried reaching @KatyTurNBC for comment…believe me we tried.
And finally, in state level political news, North Carolina Republicans, a group of people who spend lots and lots of time thinking about the genitalia of utilizers of public restrooms, finally stepped out of the restrooms and pissed all over the will of the voters. Fresh off losing, earning the distinction of being arguably the only Republicans in the nation to lose in November (save for Evan Bayh), NC Republicans, or “assheels” as they are called, called an emergency session of the legislature to strip the newly elected Democratic governor of power to…well…govern. Apparently the legislators, fearful that the new governor would take North Carolina out of its battle with Alabama and Oklahoma for the coveted “5oth in just about everything except for gender identification in rest stop bathroom stalls” award, finally stepped out of the restrooms and pissed all over the will of the voters.
And that’s how the weak spent the week in American politics.
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