The Final Word on Cargo Shorts

Last week, the Wall Street Journal posted a somewhat innocuous, matter-of-fact story about the declining sales of cargo shorts. However, it set off a firestorm of responses, albeit mostly against the idea of grown men wearing long, bulky shorts with at least six pockets.

Irrespective of what you might think of cargo shorts, my contention is not whether they are good or bad (they’re an abomination), it’s that they volunteer far too much information about the person wearing them — and none of it is good.

Barring the Leo exception, if you see someone wearing cargo shorts, here are 20 things you already know about them:

1. He peaked in high school, hence the Abercrombie-inspired nostalgia.

2. He follows Floyd Mayweather and the Fat Jew on Instagram.

3. He has a terrible credit score, and knows it because he got rejected for a Macy’s charge card trying to buy a Valentine’s Day gift he couldn’t afford.

4. He uses the term “dadbod” with pride, despite not having kids.

5. He wears cologne that you can smell five minutes after he’s left the room.

6. He considers energy drinks to be an acceptable alternative to coffee.

7. He has strong political opinions, but no clue what TPP means.

8. He takes gym selfies.

9. He loves to give unsolicited advice despite being the least accomplished of his peer group.

10. He still quotes Old School and impersonates Borat.

11. He forces the hand-shake-hug with people he barely knows.

12. He thinks “it is what it is” is an articulate way of summarizing things he can’t understand.

13. He sends his friends YouTube prank videos.

14. He hopes to one day own a Corvette.

15. He loves his flip-flops, especially with cargo shorts.

16. His best story involves a Vegas pool party and ends with a high-five.

17. He would publicly insult any of his friends to impress “a chick.” (Gay guys don’t wear cargo shorts.)

18. He’ll change lanes five times just to end up two cars ahead of you at the next red light.

19. He says, “What’s wrong with saying All Lives Matter?”

20. He hasn’t given up on Adam Sandler.

John LeFevre is the creator of @GSElevator and the author of the New York Times bestselling book and Amazon Book of the Month, Straight To Hell: True Tales of Deviance, Debauchery, And Billion-Dollar Deals out now on paperback.

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