The Brexit Tax

A Breakdown Of The Cost Of Brexit So Far.

A Bright Future
  • 65 million people stripped of their EU citizenship.
  • A 94.3% reduction in the size of the territory where those 65 million people will be allowed to work, live and move freely.
  • A 100% increase in irony in the name ‘Great Britain’.
  • An unelected government. Funny how the ‘will of the people’ ended up eroding democracy. I can’t stop laughing.
  • Politicians with bloated egos allocating all their time and resources towards Brexit, instead of sorting out the ton of shit that already required their immediate attention. And here’s a message to all the old people who voted for Brexit: you’re the ones who badly need hospitals, but the NHS will sooner get privatised before getting fixed, so thanks for your selfless sacrifice. *slow clap*
  • Britain’s sense of superiority. This one really stings. Until recently, the world looked up to Britain. In any case, Britain looked down on the world. Now everyone knows we’re dumber than a bag of dicks. Decades of Britain airbrushing its flaws and instagramming selfies have gone down the toilet. At its heart, Britain isn’t progressive. It barely managed to crawl forward by constantly fighting regression, but that’s over now — too much effort. Britain’s being pulled back into the swamp.
  • The resurgence of tabloids. A couple of years ago, their demise was being touted. Now these shit-smeared rags are running the country and telling their readers how to vote and who to hate. Over in England, we love to feed our hungry minds, but we don’t read Shakespeare, Dickens or The Financial Times. We read The Daily Mail, founded by a supporter of Nazi Germany (and still part-owned by a descendant of that cesspool-dwelling turd). We read The Sun (our best-selling newspaper), which up until 2015 had a girl with her tits out on page 3. That was our thing, the Page 3™ girl. It took years of campaigning to put a stop to it. England isn’t Oxford, Eton, The Guardian, Westminster, Prince William, or thespians playing villains in Hollywood. The essence of England is the ‘red top’ tucked under the arm of the average mug who voted for Brexit.
  • A 50% increase in hate crimes since the referendum. If you’re any shade darker than white, or speak with an accent, you now run a higher risk of being attacked on the streets, spat on, told to ‘fuck off back home’ or at the very least be stared at with a look of obvious disdain, even if Britain is your home.
  • An increase in dodgy backroom deals, as exemplified by Nissan’s agreement to stick around and keep its UK factories running even when there’s every reason to doubt the business sense behind it. This is the one bit of good news Brexiteers should want to share in detail with the world, to prove they have a plan after all, but the deal is so shady they refuse to tell anyone what it consists of.
  • A predicted mass withdrawal of foreign banks from the UK. This alone will be enough to turn Great Britain into Little Britain.
  • A 25% increase in the price of Apple products. You already had to remortgage your house to afford a Macbook Pro, now you’ll have to remortgage your house and your second home to afford the new one with the Touch Bar (whatever the fuck that’s for). If you don’t have a second home, you might want to consider switching to Windows, but no self-respecting creative wants to work on a PC. We can expect a sharp fall in the overall quality of graphic design produced in the UK.
  • Since the Pound is worth less than the paper it’s printed on, all imports are now more expensive. And since Britain hardly manufactures anything, EVERYTHING is more expensive. Well done, Brexit voters. *slow clap*
  • Holidays abroad are also out of the question.
  • On the other hand, there’s an influx of tourists from overseas, since for them a holiday in the UK is now cheaper than staying home. Welcome, foreigners. We love foreigners. Britain is now competing with all those other beautiful, far-flung exotic locations that relie solely on tourism to survive. Luckily, the weather in the UK is amazing year-round.
  • Expatriates in Europe are soon to be repatriated. Welcome home, retired gangsters. We missed you.
  • After Britain’s been cleansed of immigrants, ‘experts’ and academics will be forcefully reassigned to running fried chicken shops, serving kebabs, working in care homes and all the other degrading, menial jobs British people won’t touch with a barge pole.
  • President Trump. Not content with tipping the balance in favour of populist abominations like Trump, Britain even sent its best man (Nigel ‘Mr Brexit’ Farage) stateside to ensure Trump gets elected. Fuck you, world. If we’re going down, we’re taking you with us.

This list is by no means exhaustive. And if you’re about to say “Well, Brexit isn’t as bad as people predicted!” you’d do well to remember Brexit hasn’t even happened yet. It’s just getting started.

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