THE ART OF WAR FOR SOCIAL MEDIA
OR, ADVICE TO GIRLS, WOMEN, AND FEMMES, FROM YOUR SELF-AWARE, MANSPLAINING, PLATONIC BEST FRIEND, SF ALI!
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Ladies, (ladies? can I call you ladies? ladies.)
Yours truly is the best listener in the world. Look it up.
“I done seen a lot of shit and I done been in things”
- Drake, “No Shopping”. Word to the 6 God himself.
It’s definitely because I was raised by my mom and sister.
Also: “silent” and “listen” are spelled with the same letters.
Finally, God placed me on earth to castrate all the fuckboys.
Anyway, what I get asked a lot is a form of the following:
- “How do I cut out toxic/dramatic people?”
- “How do I live a more stress-free life?”
- “How do I lessen bad vibes and haters?”
My answer is always the same thing: you need to read.
What do you need to read? Sun Tzu’s “Art of War”.
It’s a military treatise written thousands of years ago.
It’s rather long. Well, long for our 140-character,
6 second Vine, 10 second Snap attention spans…
So you don’t have to read all of it. At least not immediately.
Just internalize the following and you’ll solve everything:
- All warfare is based on deception. This is a major key.
- Hence, when able to attack, we must seem unable.
- When using our force(s), we must seem inactive.
- When we are near, we make them believe we are far.
- When far away, we make them believe we are near.
- Hold out baits to entice the enemy (2016 translation:
whether you do or do not, they’ll lurk and hate anyway.)- Feign disorder. (2016 translation: fake being a hot mess.)
[See the work of Joanne the Scammer for all the juicy deets]- Then crush them. (2016 translation: YAS KWEEN SLAY.)
- If they are secure at all points, be prepared for them (2016:
assume they’re on fleek at all times. Be even fleek-ier. Word.)- If they are superior in strength, avoid them (2016 translation:
when you roll solo and your squad ain’t present, ghost them.)- If your opponent has a temper, seek to irritate them.
(2016: troll the shit out of them. Only if they deserve it.)- Pretend to be weak, so that they may grow arrogant.
(2016: take a break from social, let them big their head up,
real Gs move in silence like lasagna, and pop their bubble)- If they are taking their ease, give him no rest. (2016:
“slay, trick, or you get eliminated” word to Queen Bey.)- If their forces are united, separate them (2016 translation:
you don’t have to do this. NO college clique EVER lasts.
Don’t believe me? Wait til the first person gets engaged,
married, gets into grad school, or has their first baby…)- Attack them where they are unprepared, and appear
where you are not expected. (2016: wear a tiara and
Tom Ford evening gown to the supermarket. Killin’ it.)
This ain’t a game. This is real life. And if you don’t know,
now you know. Stay tuned for Part II: How To Get Away
With Actual Murder, coming to a newsfeed near you.
CALLS TO ACTION
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