Social Media — The Facebook Edition

Facebook. The advert for your world. The platform to show how good your life is and how good you look whilst living it. The addiction to the little red number alerting you that you have a notification. Yes. So, here are the basics that make up our newsfeeds in 2016.

1.The attention seekers that love the drama. Statuses like, ‘So angry! Grrrr!’ or ‘I’m done’. These are the kind of people that seem to attract and love the drama. Every month or so there’s something cryptic posted along with the concerned naives.

2. Gym statuses, check-ins and pictures. This is something I can’t abide. Yes, I know some may argue it’s motivating. Personally, I see nothing about self absorbed greasy arm pictures or videos of someone deadlifting something making want to go lift, sweat, pump then pose for a picture. You must spend more time on your phone in the gym then you do working out. Sorry but your veins do not inspire me.

3. Baby pictures. Lots of baby pictures. Statistics show that as soon as someone has spawned offspring, the average daily photo upload of said spawn is 546 per 24 hour period. Pictures of it sleeping, pictures of it crying, pictures of it smiling, pictures of it putting inanimate objects in it’s mouth, pictures on the floor, pictures in the pram, pictures in a pool, pictures on it’s mat. The occasional upload is nice but unless I see it drawing a still life, baking a pie or writing a novel i’m not interested in it’s daily antics.

4. Another thing I often encounter is girls you know you would be really awesome friends with, yet have know way of going about it. It’s not like you can message them expressing your urge for friendship without looking like a freak or a lesbian.

5. Bad airbrushing. This I see constantly on facebook. I don’t know what app it is but the one that just seems to liquify your face. Stop it, stop it now. If you’re so airbrushed that you have no hairline, ears or nose, don’t do it. We’d rather see your pores than this weird dream like haze all over you that comes with that app.

#nofilter

6. What is it about taking a selfie in a lift? You’re not even in there very long. You must see your reflection and be overcome by how good you look in the overwhelmingly good lighting. Maybe it’s the exciting risk of getting caught? If you are you would look like a knob to be fair. As if lift journeys with strangers aren’t awkward enough already? Yep, sex in public / taking a picture of yourself. Yup, I see the appeal. Totally.

7. One thing I don’t understand is the deep and meaningful quote accompanied with an awkward (usually insanely close and airbrushed) selfie looking happy and wistful. It makes perfect sense. ‘Life is an ocean with depths and shallows’ ‘When it rains I look for rainbows, when it’s dark I look for stars.’ ‘Don’t worry about failures, worry about the chances you miss when you don’t try.’ Here’s my face.

‘Never let go of your dreams’

8. Check-ins to restaurants and food. Pictures of your food. We get it. You eat meals. On a frequent basis. Please keep uploading them. Otherwise I would worry every day that you weren’t eating at all and i’d have to call you to ask for a picture as proof.

9. One of my favourites on the cringe-o-meter is the celebrity picture. Now I have to preface this by saying the ordinary snap is fine. You meet a celebrity, want a picture, upload with pride that you met someone. I understand that. I’m talking about the ones that try and make out they’re mates with said celebrity. ‘Here’s me and my bro James Corden.’ ‘Chilling with my homie Usain Bolt.’ ‘Laughs last night with this guy, Kevin Hart.’ Either the celebrity has a good sense of humour and is doing a fun pose for you or they look unbelievably stern faced. Either way the people who cling to these wanting to the world to think they’re suddenly best mates with A — Listers doesn’t wash with most. However, here’s me and my sister from another mister Adriana Lima. Love you so much Gurl!!! Even if you do call me ALL the time i’m so glad I can always be there for you for your beauty tips, work out advice and how to walk a catwalk. This was such a good night Boo. Xxx

10. People uploading youtube videos of their favourite songs. No one plays them.

11. Airport check-ins. Because we need to see what airport you’re flying from and a map showing your flightpath please. Otherwise how else do we know you’re going on holiday? It’s not like you’ll be uploading anything whilest you’re abroad at all.

Which inevitably leads to the below.

12….

13. Another sight in newsfeed that tends to crop up around the festive period is bored looking pets. People visiting their family homes and needing to take a picture with their chosen furry mammal that usually tends to look disinterested in you and your social media. Animals tend to be a lot like celebrities when it comes to this ‘pose for a picture for facebook’ crap.

14. People talking about a new chapter, new project they have coming or something exciting on the horizon. Most of the time this is accompanied by a reference to a ‘meeting’. Whether they’re telling us they’re on their way to a meeting, just had a meeting, or excited about a meeting. We are not your diary. Ironic thing is do we ever notice when said excitement comes to fruition?

15. Sadly, thanks to the Mayfair industry I work in, my newsfeed is very nightclub orientated. Pictures of queues of cold, half dressed, fed up looking girls with captions saying ‘get here early’. Bottles lined up on a bar with unlit sparklers, champagne trains covered in lit sparklers going through the crowd, blurry pictures of promoters holding bottles by the neck, empty bottles upside down in ice buckets. #SOLDOUT

16. Suddenly, whenever something political happens people voice immediately what they think on facebook. Often without any research. They’re just going on what they’ve read on other people’s posts, forged their own opinion of it and then voice it to the world. Brexit, Burkinis, Trump or Syria. Too many opinions and pictures from the bandwagon. Not enough research.

Thanks to facebook and other social media platforms we now have a generation that aren’t sure how to correctly pronounce words like Meme, Gif and Bae when talking in person. Would we ditch it though? The addictive scrolling? The silent stalking? Never.

By Ann French

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