Precedent of the United States

Abel Cohen
Extra Newsfeed
Published in
7 min readMar 30, 2017

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The bar can’t get any lower. Just when you thought we couldn’t possibly elect anyone worse than Nixon-Reagan-Bush. We go and do something like this and totally redeem ourselves!

No one may now ever again say something or someone is the worst ever. Because that simply won’t be true. Even in today’s shiteating mirthful world of fleeting triviality and planned obsolescence, there is nothing dumber, amerikaner, or ersatzer than this guy. This fucking guy.

A real role model

The pussygrab, retard-joke, bankrupt billionaire. Awesome. Finally someone my kids can look up to. A real man’s man I can get behind if my kids ever have to come up with a favorite precedential quote. Boasting of time well spent as a young man in thrall to disgraced senator Joe McCarthy’s lead counsel and self-loathing homo extraordinaire Roy Cohn at latterday babylon Studio 54:

“I’d watch supermodels getting screwed, well-known supermodels getting screwed on a bench in the middle of the room. There were seven of them and each one was getting screwed by a different guy. This was in the middle of the room. Stuff that couldn’t happen today because of problems of death.”

Fuck yeah, Mr. Precedent. That is rad. And sad. No more hot public group sex because AIDS. Until then, STDs were utterly benign. Make it great again? How could anyone make that any greater!

Family values

1809: William Blake’s Whore of Babylon

But if family values folks are against indiscreet gangbangs now, they were almost certainly also against them back then. So why would they ever want to make it that way again? Only one answer: bringing on the antichrist. End of the world. They just can’t wait. It’s the only logical explanation.

Fuck global warming, resource scarcity, and sustainable future. Just rejoice in heaven with imaginary Jesus! Vile asshole nonbelievers left behind gonna get what’s coming to them…

Lest we forget, their faith is based upon savage, eternal suffering in a hell of their own coldblooded design by anyone who disagrees with their foul bullshit. Which at last count is over two-thirds of Earth’s population; roughly five and a half billion future hellburners. It’s monstrous.

Fuck these people and their god. Gleefully anticipating the annihilation of everything and everyone else on the planet to make room for their exclusive end times resort. To which most of us will be unwelcome.

Because yes, god created everything and all of us just to revel in one day destroying it. Allpowerful, allknowing allthing is actually a caviling, sullen, petulant, antisocial bully with poor organizational and planning skills. And little awareness of the likely consequences of his actions.

That totally makes sense. Awesome. Lovely faith they’ve got there.

Already so great it can’t be any better

Fucking hypocrites. Married several times. Kids all over the place. In church every Sunday. No job. No money. No plans. No education. No information. No prospects. Mexicans’ and Chinese’s fault.

They finally got the precedent they deserve. A piece of trash truly representative of their dumpsterfire culture. Land of the free at all costs and everyone else’s expense. Home of the fattest, meanest, most willfully ignorant and gleefully ill-informed first world people on the planet.

Wantonly shooting each other all the time. Filling their days with nonstop sports and celebrities. And flooding global airwaves with poisonous, nauseating filth: the action hero, pornstar, and first person shooter.

Family values hypocrites eagerly and enthusiastically voted against their own self interest and decades of moralizing to elect a sneering, inimical philistine who makes retard jokes, misquotes the bible, and grabs chicks by the pussy.

Some things take precedence

But don’t misunderstand our new precedent’s stance on women. Because unlike the other demographics he so regularly victimizes, no one loves or respects the ladies more than he does. He just happens to subscribe to the hardcore porn version of women’s rights.

Because nasty women love it. And they’re asking for it. Dressed like that. To paraphrase our precedent: “My daughter’s a great piece of ass. If I weren’t her father…” Anyone with a daughter they actually love who still voted for this lecherous old ghoul shall surely burn in the fires of magic hell they almost certainly also doubtless believe in.

Talking heads and the chattering class spent a year reassuring us all that the philistine had no chance. But he did. Because Merica loves nothing more than come-from-behind and perhaps on her face, pussy-grabbing victories!

Ungrateful rightwing sheeple — spiting the prevailing wisdom and defying the experts — turned out in droves to vote against their own convictions for a man they despised their entire lives until last year.

But let’s face it: the cold hard truth is that this man is Merica. All of his most famous, offensive zingers are lines that could just as easily be delivered by embarrassing childhood friends in camos, cutoffs, and Carhartts. The kind avoided on holiday parachutings into hometown flyover country.

Godbotherers, gunclingers, and churchgoers

Kind, young, christian conservative men celebrate the long-awaited arrival of their eagerly and enthusiastically anticipated antichrist. Whore of babylon, huh? She sounds hot.

Their triumphant smugness is the spitting image of trailer park, church choir, frat party, spring break, locker room, gangbang, meathead, hillbilly jackass cruelty and hatefulness:

“Fuck yeah, we want hookers and blow! Why? You don’t!? You queer bro?!” Not enough epithets, exclamation points, or pussies to grab in the world for these excitable neanderthals.

It’s infuriating. A smirking sybarite laughingly repurposes the crudest stereotypes of primitive conservatives and christians to his own selfish ends, and the clueless yokels don’t get it at all.

Times used to be a highfalutin city boy like him would get one right in the kisser for taking advantage of wholesome heartland folk with condescending jokes like that. Times sure have changed.

Thus, did a man once derided by the baptized as the essence of our national excess and shame implausibly reemerge as their precedent. Haphazardly and disgracefully metastasizing into an ersatz version of one of those corny comeback stories so beloved by naive, unquestioning innocents everywhere: Rehab. Recovery. Repentance. Redemption. Resurrection. Salvation!

Voting against own self-interest

But let us never forget who this man really is. A trust-funded tycoon and failed businessman turned celebrity reality star. Who used to be in Playboy. And on Howard Stern.

He has been married three times. Accused of rape. Always says the worst things he can think of to make the stupidest and meanest among us like him more. Fascistically threatens minorities, journalists, and personal enemies. And makes retard jokes.

All while spraytanned orange with a bird’s nest perched on his head. Living atop a golden tower in the world’s most expensive city. Crossing the world in a goldplated jet. Buoyed by a dangerous, authoritarian cult of personality. And bragging about how boneable his own daughter is.

Godbotherers and gunlovers had 17 candidates to choose from this year. And picked the only one with whom they have absolutely nothing in common.

Whose values are absolutely antithetical to their own.

Sadly not a divergence from the status quo

But this has been going on for years. So don’t agonize over the creature now president; he’s actually quite precedented! The impetuosity, bigotry, and misogyny of the man who makes retard jokes and grabs pussies is neither new, nor unique. This shit was normalized years ago.

The only shocking thing is that people are somehow dumbfoundingly still shocked. For he merely unifies under one big toxic tent all the worst parts of his numerous vulgar hypocrite predecessors. For a quick pick me up, just pause to consider our nation’s many discredited past generations of astonishingly shitty white male christian landowner leaders:

Truman, Johnson, and Nixon always said nigger. JFK’s sexploits so enraged LBJ that he’d bang the table and shout he had more women by accident than Kennedy ever had on purpose. And Johnson shook his dick at people.

Nixon was also a ranting, raving, raging alcoholic, criminal, and wife beater. Reagan daydreamily drifted off to sleep during meetings and would abruptly jerk awake demanding jellybean bowl refills. And Dubya was a half-sentient, late-evolutionary ape who could hardly read or craft his own sentences.

Cue dick in world’s face. A la LBJ suddenly turning from Senate bathroom urinals to proudly flourish and wield his at unexpecting, stunned colleagues: “You ever seen anything as big as this?!”

America’s prurient standards were already very low, but our new, accidental precedent is game to slink ever further beneath them. Though there’s not much below him and the hooting, hollering, whooping, wailing, howling hillbilly horde that greeted a reeling world the morning after the great upset. Because they are the very bottom of the barrel. Nothing and no one is lower or meaner.

Team USA staggering home on its latest walk of shame.

Like it? Click something please. I integrate commenters’ insights into new pieces, so thanks for the ideas too! I don’t want your money; I want your readership. If I may be so bold, you might also like one of these.

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Abel Cohen
Extra Newsfeed

Comfort the afflicted. Afflict the comfortable.