Omarosa Book Details Leaked: Sarah Huckabee Forced To Wear A Cowbell Around White House
Omarosa Manigault, the recently departed White House senior advisor, is currently shopping a book proposal, and is said to be seeking a seven figure deal to expose the inner workings of the Trump White House.
Among the shocking details Manigault intends to share — Sarah Huckabee is forced to wear a cowbell in the West Wing to warn people that she is coming. She is so intensely dull and soul sucking that children visiting the White House cry, when they see her. Visitors are warned that if they hear a cowbell, they should quickly run from the sound. Since she started wearing the cowbell, her Secret Service nickname was changed to “Mrs. O’Leary’s Cow” which replaced her original nickname — “Huckle Fuck,” which had already replaced “Pearl Necklace Bitchfuck Bitch.”
Manigault’s book proposal also points to other tantalizing White House intrigue:
Kellyanne Conway’s main job is to compliment the size of Trump’s hands. When Trump feels down, somebody calls Conway to the Oval Office where Conway pretends to discover, for the first time, that Trump’s hands are large and beautiful. Trump never tires of this game, and it puts him in a great mood for about ten minutes — his personal maximum. Conway spends her free time rewriting the Oxford Dictionary to create alternative meanings for common words. Her Secret Service nickname is “Resting Slag Face” which the Secret Service settled on, after she had rejected “Douche Lips.”
Steve Bannon can, in fact, suck his own thing. Manigault claims it’s the only way Bannon can pull himself out of a certain type of cocaine/NyQuil hangover. When Bannon put his phone on mute during White House conference calls, it was conventional wisdom that he was taking care of some private genital business. His Secret Service nickname was “Diaper Dumpster,” but his closest White House friends still call him “Gonorrhea Breath.”
Trump has asked Ben Carson to empty trash cans and do light vacuuming around the Oval Office. Even after Trump was told that Carson was his Secretary of HUD, Trump asked Carson if his parents were proud that he had gone straight from the White House janitorial service to a Cabinet level position. Trump hands Carson a full trash bag, to take with him, at the end of every Cabinet meeting.
Rex Tillerson did not call the President a moron. He called him a “motherfucking piece of human garbage,” that also happened to be a moron. Tillerson reportedly takes offense to being misquoted. Tillerson’s Secret Service nickname is “Truth Speaker.”
When Melania is not hiding from the President, she spends her time in the White House garden digging for potatoes. Although there are no potatoes in the White House garden, it reminds her of her childhood in Slovenia, where she was raised on a regional potato collective that also happened to have no potatoes. Occasionally, the Secret Service must remind her to not bite the rocks that look like potatoes. Her Secret Service nickname is “The Walking Dead.” Trump still calls her “Melanoma.” By written agreement, Trump hasn’t been allowed to actually touch her, since 2008.
Manigault reports that these are just some of the interesting facts that she is willing to detail, for the right publishing contract that includes a movie staring herself with a spinoff Netflix series. She reports that the working title of her book, movie, and Netflix project is “Bye Felicia, My Ass!”
Editors Note: Satire. Not true. All made up. But I think we can all agree that a book deal with be shopped and Ms. Manigault will be full of grievances about not being appropriately honored nor appreciated. She is a female Trump. We will likely discover that she has been the greatest White House advisor in history.
