Lawyers Assert Trump’s Stupidity Is A “National Security Secret” That Must Be Protected
Lawyers for Donald Trump filed legal briefs today seeking to block the publication of “Fire and Fury,” the new book that details how most in the White House believe the President is an “idiot,” a “dope,” a “moron,” or “dumb as sh*t.”
Lawyers for Trump are asserting a novel legal theory, suggesting the President’s profound stupidity needs to be kept a “National Security Secret,” in order for Americans to remain safe.
“We cannot let America’s enemies find out how blindingly stupid the President is,” said Harold Wickstrom, one of Trump’s lawyers. “This is far more serious than the Pentagon Papers. Just the other day, the mouth-breather threatened to sue McDonald’s for ‘intentional infliction of emotional distress,’ because his Happy Meal didn’t include chocolate milk, and the maze on the paper placemat had already been completed. We cannot let the world know that he operates like an insecure eleven year-old, suffering from a malignant form of ‘tiny penis-complex’.”
Likewise, many on Capital Hill were concerned that America’s international image would be permanently hurt, if world leaders learned that Trump can barely read, drools on his shirt when thinking, and repeatedly demands that General Kelly order him a bunch of that TV underwear that doesn’t ride-up or stink.
“When you watch TV all day, instead of working, you are going to be a moron,” said Suzy Holbert, at the Center for Fox News Causes Brain Damage. “You know the guy on TV that tapes the boat back together, with his waterproof tape? Rumor has it, he’s Trump’s top candidate to replace Tillerson or Melania. Trump doesn’t care which — he just likes the guy and his waterproof tape.”
Meanwhile, amicus briefs, filed in support of the President, suggested that Trump’s cease and desist motions did not go far enough. Lawyers for Fox News argued an unconventional legal theory that the Court should force author Michael Wolff to insert many of Trump’s best lies into his book, which are now being called “National Security Lies.” They would also like to force him to change the title of the book to, “Trump’s Been Sent By God, So Send Money Now!”
“Wolff is full of crap,’ said Lawrence Kupstank, a lawyer for Fox. “The title is all wrong — and not a single National Security Lie is promoted in this disgraceful book.”
When pressed Kupstank pointed out that Wolff’s book fails to assert any of the core Trump lies — including: Obama was a dirty Kenyan, 3 to 5 million illegals voted for Hillary, the Trump inaugural was the largest ever, Obama wire-tapped Trump Tower, there were pleasant Nazis at the Charlottesville rally, and that Trump has a good brain.
“These are the essential National Security Lies of the Trump Administration,” stated Kupstank. “They are every bit as important as the National Security Secret that Trump is a moron. Frankly that is why we pump these lies out all day long on Fox News — to protect the American people and, of course, Donald Trump.”
Editors Note: All BS. Not true. Even if it seems more factual than satire.
