I’m Still Voting For Donald Trump, Because I Want A Monster President

He is a monster and that is who I want to be my President: a monster.

This past weekend, a 2005 tape of Donald Trump saying he can grab any woman he wants by the pussy was leaked to the media. Then over the past twenty-four hours, four women have stepped forward to say he has forcibly put his hands, lips, and tongue on them without their consent.

It’s pretty clear cut: Trump enjoys using his celebrity status to sexually assault women he doesn’t know.

You all knew who we were getting when you nominated him: a monster. A monster who speaks what’s on his mind, which are things that only a monster would think.

And what’s on my mind is, “I want a monster for President.”

So I can’t wait for the chance to finally elect Donald J Trump to the office of President of the United States.

Is he an unapologetic misogynist who treats wives as disposable accessories and legacy-factories? Yes, he does, because he’s a monster and I want a monster President.

Is he the first American presidential candidate since WW2 to suggest that we create a register of American citizens of one specific faith, and demand that they report on fellow members of their faith to law enforcement? Yes, he’s an Islamophobic monster and I want a fear-mongering monster man to occupy the Oval Office.

Is this the first sign of his utter inhumanity? No, not at all. He’s been a monster as long as he’s been a viable presidential candidate, and in fact, was even a monster before that. We just didn’t care because back then, because he was a reality tv star. He has always been a monster and that’s why I have always wanted him to be my President.

Because I want to elect a monster for President.

The little guys in this country are sick of being stepped on and lied to. We want someone in government who speaks for us, regardless of how it’ll poll or whether or not the political establishment likes it — and we also want him to be a monstrous pile of garbage that has been gifted by the gods with the spark of life and now roams the media’s streets at night, finding new pussies to grab with his monster fingers and more young children to call hot.

Which he’s done. Even about his own infant daughter. Because — and again, I cannot stress this enough — he is a monster and I want a monster for President.

He’s rough around the edges! He’s tough! He’s not manicured, focus-grouped, or politically correct! He’s nothing like our current crop of gutless politicians, because those politicians do not actively attempt to be monsters, whereas Donald J Trump is a monster who once took out a full page ad in all four major New York newspapers calling for the death penalty for five innocent young men of color who had been falsely accused of rape, and even after the actual rapist admitted to doing it and provided DNA evidence proving he did it, Donald J Trump refused to concede that the five men might be innocent, as only as monster would do.

And that is my sole requirement for a candidate for the office of President: is this person a monster with an irredeemably corrupt soul? Yes?

Great. I want him to be my monster President.

Has this man ever governed, legislated, or been elected to literally anything whatsoever in his entire life? Doesn’t matter, at least he’s a monster, which is the only thing I care about when casting my vote for who is going to hold the most power in human history.

Is this man an excellent businessman with a decades-long career full of self-made financial success? No, of course not, his father gave him a fortune, he’s put it to worse use than the S&P 500, and he has a history of screwing over contractors and business partners longer than his inseam. But, at the risk of repeating myself, that doesn’t matter. He is unapologetically a monster and that is literally my one and only requirement for voting for a presidential candidate.

“But,” you might ask, “how can you support a man who has openly praised dictators and warlords around the world? How can you stand behind a man who has sung the praises of our country’s worst enemies and threatened to literally shake down our closest geopolitical allies unless they pay up? That kind of man is a monster!

I feel like you guys aren’t listening to me.

Donald J Trump is a contemptible scab of humanity made out of the filtered, leftover waste product of a Calcutta sewer pipe and imbued with a soul made entirely out of forgotten 4chan threads. He is a monster. We agree on that.

I’m just the one who wants a monster for President.

Our country has, for some reason, never elected an actual monster before. We’ve elected crooks, blowhards, and corrupt narcissists, but never an actual monster. I’d like us to give it a shot.

Because it can’t be worse than it already is!

I’m just kidding, of course. It can get much worse than it already is. Adults can finally marry each other regardless of their sex, social media has finally brought light to the daily undercurrents of oppression that permeate every strata of our society, and crime is at a national all-time low.

The Young Turks

We have everything to lose and I’m a terrible gambler. I want a monster for President. Trump 2016.


Donald J Trump isn’t actually the monster Sean wants to elect. Nosferatu has a much better track record on domestic assault.

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