Here’s how to talk to someone who is wrong in every single possible way

This is how you’ll feel every time you win an argument using this handy guide.

As someone who is always right, I talk to people who are wrong all the time.

Literally ALL — THE — TIME.

Sometimes, I’m amazed by how far we’ve made it as a civilization with so many objectively wrong morons out there.

Of course you never call them objectively wrong morons to their face. That would be impolite. Also, when people get called objectively wrong morons, or dumbasses, or fart brained imbeciles, they sometimes get defensive and put their guards up, and that might stop them from immediately accepting how right you are and how absolutely wrong they are. And that’s a bad thing. They won’t listen, and the key to ass-ramming them with the truth is getting them to listen.

No. Calling them names or saying what you actually think about their fly-infested garbage dumpster of a brain won’t help. You need to let instinct fall by the wayside, and approach these types of situations with ninja levels of finesse.

Here’s my foolproof guide to setting these idiots straight.

Step 1: Pretend to be open minded

Stand there and listen. Fight the urge to gag and explosively vomit as they state their opinion or build their ‘argument’. Nod from time to time, and say things like “uh-huh”, “I see”, “Hmmmm”, and “Ahhhh”, and here’s the key thing; Try not to sound sarcastic when you say these things. Even crazy-wrong people can sense sarcasm at least some of the time, and when they do, their guard walls pop up, and as I’ve said, you don’t want that to happen.

Step 2: Don’t interrupt, no matter how wrong they are

I know there are moments where this wrong person will say something so abso-f@#!&%-lutely wrong or something so easily refutable that every fiber of your being will want to shout out that one simple fact that will shut them down for good and destroy their entire argument.

Don’t do this.

Fight the urge.

When people are wrong, facts and evidence and game-over mic drop moments don’t matter. Bite your tongue, and make a mental note of your checkmate comment, you’ll need it later.

Step 3: Ask clarifying questions, even if you know they don’t have the brain-power to reframe or even fully understand their own ideas

These completely wrong idiots are often incapable of stringing together a simple sentence, so many of their thoughts may come across as disjointed mouth noises that kind of sound like words, in a best case scenario. As you immediately realize their IQ would make Forrest Gump seem like a smarter Stephen Hawking, work hard at keeping the “I’m interested in what you have to say” look on your face, and ask them to clarify their points. Most of them won’t be able to, but it’s sure as hell entertaining to watch their brains go full-on Cirque Du Soleil as they try to find a better way to make make their point.

Keep asking questions until you have a solid understanding of just how absolutely wrong they are, and until you can easily spit back their idea in all its wrongness back at their faces.

Once you can pretend to understand their idea well enough to fool them, wait until they finally shut the hell up and then move on to

Step 4: Lay down the hurt, but pretend to come from a place of understanding

Remember all those mental notes you were making in step 2?

Of course you do, you’re smart, unlike the brain-deficient ape descendant you’re talking to.

Well, now’s the time to whip those arguments in their faces, but you have to be smart about it. You need to sneak past their mental defenses and brain filters that are trying to stop any new or scary ideas from breaking through.

First, you need to spit their idea back to them in a way that shows you actually understand what they are saying, and you’ve actually considered their ideas (I’d recommend taking some acting classes, if outright lying doesn’t come easy to you). Hell, if you can bullshit your way through making an even stronger version of the idiots’ arguments, do that. It will get them to begin lowering their guard and trick those wrongos into actually thinking you are on their side.

And that’s when you pounce. Tear their argument to shreds. Lay down every irrefutable refutation of each of their points, one after another. And don’t stop at one. Smart people might only need one mic-drop, but as we’ve established, these Wrongy-McWrongheads are not smart, so just barrage them with a fact salvo that will slam them on their asses.

Once you’re done, stand there gloating over their figurative corpses, and wait.

Now, one of three things can happen:

1. They bow in reverence and admit you were absolutely right about everything. If this happens, congratulations, you’ve won. Boom. One simpleton is wrong about one less thing. Pat yourself on the back and buy yourself a steak to celebrate (unless you’re a vegetarian, in which case, you should make it a small steak). This tutorial is over for you.
   But… this outcome is pretty damn rare. More likely you’ll have to deal with one of the other two options:
2. The moron keeps repeating the exact same idiotic ideas back at you while completely ignoring your airtight arguments to their wrongness-osity. These people are generally on the dumber end of the moron spectrum, and their brain filters are so damn good at filtering out new information that they just can’t be reached. These people will never see the truth. In this case, it’s perfectly acceptable to pretend these people are dead to you, or at the very least, trapped in some invisible and soundless dimension where you’ll never have to deal with them again.
   Allow your eyes to gloss over and walk away. Ignore them if they call to you with things like “Hey!” and “where are you going?” There is no reason to waste any more brainpower on these mouth breathers.
   Congratulations, this tutorial is over for you too.
   But sometimes, you’ll come across a third, trickier option.
3. The moron pretends to listen to your arguments, says things like “uh-huh”, “I see”, “Hmmmm”, and “Ahhhh”, and then repeats your arguments back to you in a way that shows he was at least pretending to listen and understand. He might even ask questions trying to get you to clarify your position.
   He then offers a bunch of arguments that address your ideas, and then tries to show you why he thinks you’re the wrongest person alive.
   This is the toughest type of objectively wrong moron to deal with, so you’ll need to move on to the advanced steps below.

Step 5: Advanced wrongness rebuttal ninja moves

If you’re dealing with master wronginators, you need to change up tactics. They will find ways to make their wrong ideas suddenly seem… less wrong. Don’t fall for it. It’s a trap.

Pretend to listen, and mentally make lists of more ways that they are wrong.

Repeat steps 1–4, taking turns talking (you being right, them being wrong, of course), constantly refining your mic drop arguments. This may take several cycles of back and forth — with the particularly stubborn cretins coming up with almost convincing mic drop argument salvos of their own.

Your brain may start to hurt at this point, but fight through. You know you’re still 100% right, and they are completely 100% wrong. Or at least 80% wrong. Or 75%.

Don’t give in. Stay strong. This is where most amateurs fail or start repeating old arguments without addressing the half-wits’ counter arguments. If you do that, you’ve lost.

Never give up. Never surrender.

Never give even an inch.

Keep repeating to yourself “I am right. They are wrong.” over and over again. (Don’t say this out loud, it may make you seem weird. Keep it to yourself.)

“I am right. They are wrong.”

“I am right. They are wrong.”

And then — the absolutely wrong simpleton may make an argument that you can’t argue against. Something so damn knock-out sense-making that you might actually wonder if you’ve been wrong this whole time.

In these cases, you need to use a highly advanced debate technique, detailed below. This move has no known countermove, and will guarantee your checkmate.

Advanced debate-ending ‘finish him’ technique

This next step takes some practice. I don’t expect anyone to get it right on the first try, and suggest you practice in front of a mirror before trying it in the wild.

You ready?

Here it is.

Realize that you and the wrong imbecile are actually in agreement, and everything you said before was misunderstood as saying the opposite of what you’ve actually been saying. It takes some fancy footwork, but a master-debater knows how to wiggle out of a corner without ever admitting to being wrong.

To be clear, if you do this, you did not lose the debate, you just retroactively re-evolved your prior positions so that you were right all along.

And that’s the key to always being right.

Good luck.