How To Get All The Followers On Medium

Maybe turn your computer on before you begin typing.

Buckle up bizzsnaps because I’m about to blow your umbilicus clean off. Here we go!

1. Cater to the trending tags or tabs or whatever those are

Examples:

• Women in tech: I play Need for Speed on my iPhone. Okay next question.
• Editors’ picks: Um, pick me. Duh doy.
• Politics: Daaaaaamn it’s like *explosion noise*. Trump is bad. Graaasssssss tastes baddd!
• Technology: Like women in tech, but without all the women.
• Humans: When I found out my dad was pretending to be Santa, I was pissed. It ruined my 14th birthday.
• Culture: Let’s talk about “the ethnics” getting up to some weird shiz
• Business: This one’s my favorite. People will listen to any numbers and all mentions of productivity. Aim for headlines like “10 Ways to Make Your Morning Poo More Productive” and “This Simple Freaky Friday Hack Made Me Forget Latina Women Make 56 Cents To The White Man’s Dollar”
• Entertainment: Yo, what if we took Homer Simpson and put him in House of Cards? That would be *DJ scratch noise* whickity whickity whack!

2. Write a provocative headline

Examples:

• This One Time I Died. Just Kidding. And Then Obama Told Me This Secret About Startups
• Stop! Wait A Minute! Fill My Cup, Pour Some Liquor In It! Why Alcoholism Is Killing Baby Bunnies
• I Went 30 Days Without Showering And My Mom Kicked Me Out, So I Did This One Simple Hack (Guess Who’s Going To An Old Folks’ Home)
• How I Went From A Barista To A Cardiothoracic Surgeon By Just Breaking One Law
• Butts!

3. Tag Everyone You Know And Their Entire Family

@ God. @ yo momma. Ev Williams (oops).

4. Use A Photograph

You can use photos from Unsplash, DisneyChannel.com, or your ex’s FaceBook.

5. Promote, Promote, Promote

Share your Medium link on Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn, Zoosk, Club Penguin, Neopets, Amazon, and Dog Breed Plus.

6. When All Else Fails, Add A Video

Like this.

7. That Should Be It. You Are Now At The Top Of Medium And Getting Lots Of Money.

Just kidding. Did you seriously think you’d be paid? Child, please.

Ellie Guzman is a bag of organs living in Los Angeles. She likes pancakes and your money.