Hire me, a professional exorcist, for your holiday season!

As a professional exorcist, I’ve expelled demons back to their respective dimensions, rescued the souls of bewitched children trapped in the outskirts of Hell, and removed hexes from hell-bent writers who just had to live in that 250-year-old doll factory “for the story”.

And now, after decades of experience, I’m finally ready to come to your family gatherings this holiday season!

We all know how stressful the holidays can be, and that bringing families together in an enclosed space for more than a day drags in all sorts of dead and buried issues, so to speak! Especially this year, with all that post-electoral tension that’s sure to stir up some pent-up paranormal energy, and possibly re-awaken the souls of the dead.

Still not convinced? Here are some other things to consider:

Is your 65-year-old uncle’s Islam / homo / xenophobia a direct result of his conservative upbringing and straight-white-male privilege, or is his soul simply cursed by a demonic spirit?

Wouldn’t it be nice to have your old, open-minded uncle back? You know, the one who took you out for ice cream and never shouted “go home!” to Mexican landscapers? No, you weren’t imagining it. Let me help by laying your uncle on a bed of dead leaves, summoning the dark spirit from within and banishing it from this universe for all eternity.

Is the political tension between you and your extended family so palpable, it’s forging a wormhole to another dimension in the mudroom?

They say never discuss religion or politics at the dinner table, but no matter how many wormholes it tears open, we just can’t seem to learn our lesson. Let me remove that pesky hole in the space-time continuum for you.

Are the ghosts of your failed childhood expectations a figure of speech, or is there an actual dead-eyed version of your younger self in your parents’ cellar?

It might be best to have me check this one out for you. Avoid any mirrors and unfinished basements in the meantime!

Is your so-called perfect cousin (the one studying to be a doctor) actually perfect? Or did she strike a deal with an ancient demon and that’s why her hair and cuticles are always flawless?

I mean, come on. There’s no way someone with parents like hers could have genes like that. She clearly traded in her soul for brains and beauty with some form of black magic. Let me see if I can pull some strings for you with Abyzou, a demon of jealousy who deals in black-market trades. Just don’t utter her name three times. She hates that.

Do you want your father’s disapproval of your amoral career choices to stop haunting your every move?

This one may not seem paranormal, but that unexplained white noise on your digital television and laptop is a direct result of his disappointment, and the disappointment from every generation to have come before him. Burning all electronic devices during a 40-hour seance should help with this.*

*With that said, all unresolved issues with your parents and deceased ancestors may never fully go away.

I really do hope you consider me for the holidays. For the low price of $15,000 dollars an hour (or a pint of sacrificial blood from the youngest virgin there)*, I will personally come to your house, take the temperature of the room (literally, because if it drops below 15 degrees there’s usually a ghoul hanging from your ceiling light) and do whatever it takes to restore the natural order of things while you and your family enjoy a delicious meal over Wiccan candlelight.

*I require payment (or virgin blood) upfront. I lost all of my wages in a heated game of Satanic Poker and if I don’t pay off my debts by the next blood moon, a Demogorgon will devour my soul.

I look forward to working with you!

Yours truly,

Jessibel

(P.S. follow my adventures on Twitter and Insta! @Jessi_vs_Demons_666)