Fuck You, You Soul Crushing Corporate World

We despise you.

Fuck a place that considers being the last one at the office a badge of honour. Fuck your million levels of approval that are completely anti-productive. Your ability to innovate is slowly dying at the bottom of your approval ladder.

Fuck you corporations who pretend to care about your employees’ interests and well-being. Your HR department is nothing more than a front and a tattletale snitch. Fuck you and your politics and your willingness to throw people under the bus to further yourself. Fuck a system that equally rewards over performers and complacent coasters. Fuck your lack of loyalty that translates into promoting the person that ‘looks like a boss’ over the person who deserves it. Fuck working for someone who sees you as nothing more than a replaceable number.

Fuck being made to feel stupid for not taking part in Monday morning water cooler talk … though those who did probably didn’t understand a thing they read and were just regurgitating Bloomberg buzzwords. Stop. JUST STOP. Stop speculating on stocks or whether or not the Feds will increase the interest rate…you’re not Warren Buffet. This intellectual masturbation needs to end before it kills us all! I feel sick.

Fuck you and your artificial budgets that are defined years in advance based on the guesswork of some stranger who has imprecise information, never understood the business needs and doesn’t even work there anymore. Oh and your forecasts, fuck those too. They serve no rational purpose other than making you feel better. How cute.

Fuck you corporate world with your useless lingering coffee breaks where everyone discusses the Kardashians in order to avoid having to go back to their mindless tasks. Fuck your corporate cafeterias where you line up like cattle to get a clump of cheap over salted oily food … but hey it’s cheap, so who cares if it will shave a couple days off your life? Or maybe if you want to be fancy and treat yourself to something real special, you’ll venture out to the food court and stuff yourself with McDonalds or if you’re feeling healthy, a nice 12 inch from Subway.

Fuck having to CC everyone you’ve ever met ‘just in case’. Or how about calling an hour meeting over something that could’ve been dealt with in 5 minutes … you really seem to love those. Or worse — conference calls. Nobody is listening and everybody is doing something else since this meeting was completely unnecessary to begin with. Well hey, at least you can tell your boss you did something that afternoon. Yippie!

Fuck your town hall meetings where the big boss pretends like (s)he wants to connect and talk directly to the lower level employees. That’s bullshit, we all know they are trying sweep some political event under the rug and trying to appear “transparent and open”. Oh and fuck the new corporate ethics and compliance handbook that is only in place because of shadiness going on in the C-Suite. Your minions don’t need to be reminded that getting wasted over lunch or bribing clients isn’t cool.

Fuck the cheap half ass Christmas party that you look forward to all year and pay out of pocket for. Of course it couldn’t be covered by the multinational you work for, I mean they only announced billions in profits last week.

Fuck your uncreative, lame, soul crushing cubicles. Really pushing your employees to (literally) stay in the box. Fuck the ‘you can find the 30 minutes to do it if you eat at your desk’ mentality that stifles your energy and kills your afternoon. Fuck your “Lunch and Learns” … the lunches suck and I promise you, no one is learning a fucking thing.

Fuck that generic business analyst title that means everything and absolutely nothing at the same time. Fuck your job description and not allowing your employees to work outside of it, completely suppressing their impact and ability to grow. Oh and fuck your RFPs, RFCs, RFQs and RFWHATTHEFUCKS. Nobody knows what you are talking about.

Fuck being shamed for taking the vacation time you are owed and wholeheartedly earned and deserve. Fuck the judgment from your colleagues for getting to the office at 9:15am. Little do they know that you stayed at the office until 10:00pm to finish their incomplete work. You should try valuing output and results over how many minutes you sat in your chair and stared at your screen.

Fuck the evil person who insists on hiring you on consecutive one-year contracts … denying you of benefits and the ability to have a mortgage because of the lack of financial stability. Fuck your “yearly performance review” used only to justify giving you the smallest salary increase possible or delaying a long promised promotion.

Enough with your office gossip about pregnancies, burnouts and promotions. Focus on your own shit! People who talk about others are small. Fuck the bragging about which car you will blow your annual raise on. The same car that you will sit in hours of traffic with just so you can tell your coworkers you have a big house in the suburbs. Fuck feeling like a herded animal travelling to work in rush hour traffic. Imagine what you could be doing with this time instead.

Fuck dressing in uncomfortable clothes and being judged for not matching your belt with your pocket square or not having your hair done though you have no client meetings and won’t leave the office at any point during the day anyway. Fuck your paid cellphone incentive, which really translates to ‘’We own you and can call you anytime of the day or night’’.

And lastly, fuck all the kiss assing and lies you tell yourself and each other. Fuck the forced fake smiles as you cross a coworker in the hallway and the “I’m good how are yous”. I am not happy nor am I good and neither are you!

But most of all, corporate world, thank you for being so awful that we had no choice, but to join a startup. We’ll forever be grateful to you :)

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