Dr. Jekyll (Dog) & Mr. Hyde (Dog)

Normally my dog is an absolute angel — a smelly little angel who sheds, licks the kitchen floor, her butt, and my face (in that order) — but an angel nonetheless. However, her innocent appearance can be deceiving, particularly if you happen to be a third her size, covered in synthetic fur, and unable to defend yourself (inanimate).

See, my otherwise mild-mannered, loving little poochie, has a dark side. A dark side with a penchant for destroying things.

Well, that’s not entirely fair. First, you have to shake said thing (e.g., an old sock) in her general direction until she goes apeshit and wants to rip it to shreds. Hence all the partially dismembered stuffed animals strewn about the house. And a few socks.

Some of Dog’s favorite toys (to destroy) include:

Jeffrey the Blind Dinosaur

Jeff started out with perfect vision, but once he started prancing across the floor in front of Dog chanting “Yoooou can’t get me!” his eyes were unceremoniously ripped from their fabric “sockets.” At first I felt bad for Jeffrey, but if you’re so arrogant as to think you can just heckle Dog with impunity, you’re kinda asking for it.

Sadly, after weeks of continued taunting, Jeffrey is armless as well as blind. Maybe now he won’t be so quick to mock Dog.

Moose the Gutless Reindeer

We think Moose is actually a reindeer because of his red nose — some knock-off version of Rudolph. Luckily for him, he came with just tiny nubby arms and legs, meaning there’s less for Dog to grab and shred. While Moose maintains his nub legs and arms, he’s suffered repeated intestinal damage: Dog rips his mid-section open, exposing his “innards”, which Dog loves to chew on until they turn into a soggy cotton glob.

Moose has been stitched up too many times to count and with each surgery, he grows weaker (he’s losing massive amounts of stuffing).

Moose also lost his little red nose after once unwisely shouting, “Get Moose, Get ‘em!” and throwing himself across the room.

Dog did get Moose.

Pinky the ???

Similar to Moose, I suspect Pinky was supposed to be a long, tubular, pink dog (?), again with nub legs. The trouble for Pink started when she tapped Dog’s nose and tried to run away. Stupid idea. She now has nothing you could refer to as a face — just string and bits of fuzz where her mouth/nose/eyes used to be. Plus, she stinks of dog morning breath (a mix of kitchen floor and dog butt). It’s unpleasant.

Flamingo

Due to some odd (cheap) construction, once Flamingo started pecking at the ground in front of resting Dog, both of her legs where removed in one protracted tug. It seems that Flamingo’s legs were a single unit sewn rather poorly to her stomach. This made things waaay too easy for Dog and now, Flamingo just lies on the floor, legless and despondent. While I generally don’t believe she deserved it, at the same time, she was trying a little too hard to get Dog’s attention.

Either way, I still have the leg(s) somewhere and plan to reattach some day.

Charlie the Offensive Duck

Apparently, Charlie is an unapologetic asshole. He’s a duck who repeatedly quacked what I can only assume were unflattering references to Dog’s mother directly at Dog. And he must have said something really shitty early on because his entire bill is gone and he now resembles a tangled hairball sewn onto another, bigger hairball.

He has “survived” numerous intense shakings of his entire body and sometimes, even when unprovoked, Charlie ends up the victim du jour of Dog’s violence. Though he now lacks the face necessary to sling insults, evidently his mere presence, as mutilated as it is, just pisses off Dog.

RIP Charlie.

One clap, two clap, three clap, forty?

By clapping more or less, you can signal to us which stories really stand out.