Donald Trump Names His Inauguration Day “National Day of Fuck You, Dad! You Shoulda Loved Me!”
WASHINGTON — Following on the heels of his recent claims to be The Dark Knight, President of The United States Donald J. Trump declared the day of his inauguration National Day of Fuck You, Dad! You Shoulda Loved Me! by executive order.
“This is the best day. A day… a day! It’s a day. My dad would be proud of me today. He’d have held me close to him and said ‘I take back the years of emotional abuse. Son, you’re the best son a father could have. You’ve got a bunch of kids who seem okay. You’ve had three really hot wives (until they got old) and you’re the most powerful man in the world. I love you.’” said the President when speaking with reporters.
“That’s what my father would have said if he were alive,” he continued, with a dreamy look in his eyes. “But he’s dead, so I need to fill the hole in my soul left unfilled by the love he could never give, with the love of you, the increasingly small number of Americans who still think I’m the best. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have something in my eye…”
The president then went into the oval office, whereupon the soft sounds of sobbing could be heard all the way from the press wing.
Much has been written on the subject of Donald J. Trump and his father, a hard driving, hard nosed, racist criminal who dabbled in the real estate business. However, outside of Donald J. Trump’s churlish, sophomoric attitude towards women, his domineering teenage posturing around men, his worship of powerful assholes like his father, and his complete inability to laugh, no one had ever seen the emotional toll having Fred Trump as a father took on his son, the President of The United States.
“Fuck you, dad!” the executive order reads, in hastily scrawled crayon,“I made it and you’re dead! So I won! I’m the winner! I said I was going to be great and I was right! And now you can never bask in the warm glow of my success because you’re just a dead ‘Swedish refugee’ — and you know how I feel about refugees! Rot in hell dad!”
The rest of the executive order is illegible due to excessive distortion apparently due to the presence of human tears on the document.
