Childbirth Is Disgusting and Other Truths
I know everyone thinks childbirth is a miracle. Wow. Look at that. A life just came out of that vagina. I get it. It’s dope.
What’s not dope is the thought of a child blasting out of my snatch like it’s a t-shirt cannon at Coachella and everyone expecting that I just enthusiastically sign up for that experience. I’m going to say it now: the moment that I find out I’m pregnant someday, I will grab my OBGyn by her white coat’s collar and demand a C-section appointment as soon as it’s healthy so that I run not the slightest risk of a vaginal birth. I don’t care if the kid is sliced out of me with hedge clippers; it’s still better than the alternative.
Some people are afraid of heights. Some are afraid of large bodies of water. I am afraid of a small being clawing its way out of my birth canal like it’s a miniature Indiana Jones. My vagina is not one of those PlayPlace tubes at McDonald’s. I don’t want a child sliding out the other end.
I do want kids someday, of course. I love the thought of raising a family and having my own parents witness it so I can rub my parental success in their faces. Oh and children are fun because you can dress them up and use them to piss off old white people about affirmative action.
That being said, I am not going to ever sign up for a living breathing creature that is a product of me and my husband coming out of a small space that my husband likes to put his dick in (you know, other than the other two, but that’s not how you make babies). Just the thought of me being inside my mother and coming out of a place that she has sex with makes me want to vomit.
Childbirth is a disgusting process and the only thing worse than standard birth is fancy birth. Home birth and water birth make me gag uncontrollably. I would honestly rather divorce my husband than sit in the same tub as a thing called afterbirth. Nuh-uh. Not happening.
Anyway, those are my thoughts on childbirth. And while I have you here:
- Starbucks > Dunkin Donuts
- Angry Orchard > any beer
- In-N-Out is a 7/10 at best and only if you’re really hungry
- Guys who play the guitar at parks are annoying
- The difference between people who snort coke at parties or smoke weed at parties depends purely on what type of hat they are wearing
- Silverlake is Venice for people who aren’t as athletic and hike instead of doing pilates
- People who frequently go to Abbot Kinney have an inferiority complex
- People who think Hollywood is the Hollywood of Los Angeles are either from Ohio or got dropped on the head as a baby
- Likewise people who think Beverly Hills is the Beverly Hills of LA have never been to Calabasas
- If you say you’re from LA and it turns out you’re from Orange County I will petition to have you institutionalized
- Bobby Flay is FAR from the best cook on Food Network. FAR!
- Paul Ryan is hot in the same way my parents’ bankruptcy lawyer is hot
That’s all for now. Oh, and A Very Potter Musical > Hamilton.
