Chickens Little: Week 6 Picks
Remember Chicken Little? Something lands on his head, and he’s like “Oh, the sky is falling!”, and then he runs around telling everyone the sky is falling. And Footyballs can’t remember the story, exactly, I think some people are like, “Oh crap, what are we gonna do?”, and then someone — probably the fox — is like, “Riiiiight, dang, that’s serious, here listen I have a plan,” and then eats Chicken Little. The point of the story is 1), that Chicken Little panics and starts drawing very illogical conclusions, and 2), that Chicken Little is an idiot.
Footyballs was cruising around in my sweet ride today — it’s a lamborghini combined with a ferrari, and also combined with a porsche — and listening to sports talk radio here in Denver, and many people are “very concerned”. They’re walking around, and looking up frequently, to make sure that the sky isn’t falling, because the Bronkatonics lost a game yesterday, and so maybe the sky is falling? You never know, it could fall. Just because it hasn’t fallen yet, doesn’t mean it won’t someday.
Riiiiight. Footyballs is not worried, at all. That was Bronkies’ first division road loss since November 2010 — Niffle record 15–0 streak — and Footyballs is pretty sure they lost on purpose, just to remember what losing a division road game feels like. The thing to remember is that wild horses run free across the plains forever and always. The Siemian cometh! Plus, I’m always relaxed anyways since I just go cruising around in my lamborrariorsche. On to the picks!
Eagles at Redskins: Darren Sproles is so cute! Look at that Jet, he’s like, “C’mon back here you little cute fella you!” But Darren Sproles is like, “No thank you Mr. Jet, I’m going to run through everyone’s legs and score a touchdown!” Um, let’s see, this game’s at Washington, um…I’m going to pick the Eagles. Remember that eagle Footyballs talked with last week? Well, he went to Philadelphia and gave the team a motivational talk after they lost last week, and I was there and took this photo of him giving the talk:
…so, as you can tell, it was a good talk. Footyballs say: Eagles! Bet or don’t bet? Umm….don’t bet? Have to say that Philly’s still a question mark, at least for the time being.
Steelers at Dolphins: Yeah, so. This is one of those games, where everyone in the whole world expects one thing, which is that the Steelies will make dolphin-not-safe canned tuna out of Miami. Big Ben will throw to Parliament — Footyballs is refusing, from now on, to call Antonio Brown “Antonio Brown”, because obviously his name should be Parliament, have you ever even seen the original European Vacation movie? — and the Steelies will win big time, Flipper will cry sad tears. Footyballs say: Steelers. Bet or don’t bet? Don’t bet. Steelies always lose a couple games they shouldn’t, this is classic trap game.
Jaguars at Bears: Oh, pffft. Double-pffft. Y’know, jaguars and bears are both very cool animals, but the Jaguars and the Bears are not cool Niffle teams. Whatever, Footyballs is going to borrow my friend’s cool term here, and say that watch out Bears, ’cause you’re about to get Bortled! You’re about to, uh, undergo a major Bortling! You’re going to, um, be forced to drink a bunch of Bortles and James!…anyways. Footyballs say: Jaguars. Bet or don’t bet? It’s your money, idiot.
Browns at Titans: The Titans will make hash out of the Browns. This Sunday, Cleveland will get no brownie points. All of Farmer Brown’s cows got a disease and died. Footyballs say: Titans! Bet or don’t bet? Um, no. When Niffle also-rans get together, nobody knows.
Bengals at Patriots: That tiger was happily enjoying that raw meat-covered bone from some animal it just terrified and then murdered, and then it looked up and saw the Patriots coming, and got that very serious look on its face. Footyballs say: Patriots. Bet or don’t bet? Um, yes. Remember the last game at Foxborough, where the Pats got shut out by the Bills? Pretty sure they’re not going to lose this one.
49ers at Bills: Footyballs is fond of saying, “Enh, I wouldn’t give a wooden Kaepernickel for that.” Which, obviously I’m saying that as a play on words — aka a “pun” — combining Kaepernick and the phrase “wouldn’t give a wooden nickel”. But right now, I’m kind of getting hung up on the wooden-nickel part, like where in the world does that come from. Did we once have wooden nickels? Maybe that was like a Whig initiative, in the last-gasp days of the Whigs. The two-party system is a failure, bring back the Whigs! Footyballs say: Bills! Bet or don’t bet? Bet. Yeah, bet. The Bills are good, the 49ers aren’t good.
Ravens at Giants: Hm. Hm, and double-hm…Footyballs is iffy on this whole Ben McAdoo thing. Y’know, Tom Coughlin with his grumpy red-face was really half of the heart of the Giants. I thought they’d be good this year, but now I’m not so sure. Still, this is a home game, and the Ravens are a hard read at this point, as well, not sure what’s going on with wacky Joe Flacky and company. Ok, enough hemming and hawing, Footyballs say….Giants. Bet or don’t bet? Bet! Ha, just kidding. No don’t bet.
Rams at Lions: Again, another sad trip into mediocreville, the most boring town in the world. Until the Rams play Jared Goff, WHO CARES ABOUT THE RAMS. Meanwhile the Lions, who killed the hearts of — arguably — both the best running back and best wide receiver in Niffle history. Footyballs say: Lions. Bet or don’t bet? Yeesh, don’t bet. I mean, just try and pretend this game doesn’t exist, don’t involve yourself with it.
Panthers at Saints: Cammity-Cam will probably play. The Panthers will probably win, since the bounty-guy doesn’t coach for New Orleans anymore, so the Saints won’t deliberately hit Cammity-Cam in the head and concuss him out of the game. Footyballs say: Panthers. Bet or don’t bet? Don’t bet. The Panthers are not a team to bet on until they show what they really are this year.
Chiefs at Raiders: Okay! A good game, this should be a good game. Should be. I mean, the last time the Chiefs played — against the Steelies — they looked like they were using bows and arrows against guns, which isn’t a good strategy, as the original chiefs learned. But hopefully they’ve upgraded their arsenal since then, although it probably doesn’t include bombs, since Alex Smith is against bombing. Footyballs say: Raiders. Bet or don’t bet? Bet! Bombs are good weapons, Raiders like using them.
Cowboys at Packers: Mm, look at all that delicious cheese. Footyballs wants to eat it, but Packer fans like to wear it on their heads. To each his own, says Footyballs. Cowboys, they’re due to lose right? Rookie quab, on the road at Lambeau? Yes, probably, but they do have the best o-line in the league, and not just Ezekiel Elliot but also Alfred Morris. But they also have Jason Garrett, who is quite talented at losing close games. Footyballs say: Packers. Bet or don’t bet? No, don’t bet. Footyballs is unsure of what’s going on with either of these teams.
Falcons at Seahawks: Ooh, game of the week. This should be a great game. After watching that Falcos-Bronkies game, Footyballs now thinks Atlanta is very much for real. Variety of weapons, very well-coached, smart team. Also had the same thought after watching Seattle slowly grind up and subsequently eat the Jets, which is a hard thing to do, to eat an entire jet. Hm, hard game to pick here. Tempted to go with that home-team-advantage deal that Les Hawks of the Sea have going on up there, in their loud rainy stadium. Buuut…I don’t know, something about that Falcos team. Footyballs say: Falcons. Bet or don’t bet? Depends on the line. Which, I don’t know what the line is, I’m not going to switch one tab over and google it for you, do it yourself Footyballs isn’t your mother!
Colts at Texans: Why is this the night game? Why isn’t Falcons-Seahawks the night game? C’mon, America. Get it together already. Footyballs say: This is a boring game, it doesn’t matter. Sigh, fine, Colts. Bet or don’t bet? Bet the farm. Bet it all. Nothing matters.
Jets at Cardinals: Cardinals, you may or may not know, lead the bird league in state-bird awards, with seven. Number two is the western meadowlark, which is the state bird of six states. The jet is not the state bird of any state, and in fact the jet is not even a bird. Footyballs noticed jets didn’t flap their wings, like most birds do, and I got suspicious, so I did a little sleuthing and found out that a jet is actually a fake bird made out of metal. Therefore, given that cardinals are birds and jets are not, Footyballs say: Cardinals! Bet or don’t bet? Bet, of course. Footyballs just gave you the best argument ever. Have a great Football Day, everybody.