Mark Sanchez: Butt-Fumble Billionaire
“The athletes used a broker named Ash Narayan who basically stole their money.In mid-2011, Sanchez agreed to make a $100,000 investment in TTR. Instead, Narayan forged documents and directed more than $7 million of Sanchez’s money to the ticket company, the SEC said.”
As an entrepreneur, I try to see business models everywhere. Sometimes I see the opportunity in other people. I believe that with my guidance Mark Sanchez and I can ride the Butt-Fumble to financial freedom.
The Butt Fumble was a defining moment in sports failure. It summed up the public personas of the Ryan Leafs,:
and the Anthony Bennett’s:
of the world. Guys whose place in the pecking order, did not reflect their actual skills in life.
On that fateful Thanksgiving Day, in front of 80,000 of his closest friends, Sanchez saw a butt in his way, but he said:
“No sir, you will not stop me”
Butt then it did. And the world learned how to laugh again. Because that was the most pathetic play in the history of the NFL.
Butt it’s not his fault. Sanchez was drafted way way to high, by a New York Jets team that really liked his “footwork.”
Sanchez specifically pointed to his feet when pre-draft he said:
Working your core always, your foot speed, jumping rope, push-ups and sit-ups — things like that are really important. Those things will pay off more than just doing what a bench press will.
Rex Ryan had to have those feet in his rookie mini-camp, so that Jets spared no expense and drafted him seven rounds before he would have otherwise been drafted.
The “Sanchize” cannot be blamed for that or for anything really. I mean, just look at his footwork — you have to agree with Sexy Rexy, it is impeccable:
He was asked to do very little on two contending Jets teams and did just that — very little. For his troubles he was then thrown to the Wolves (the New York Giants defensive line) in a preseason game that almost ended his career.
Sanchez flamed out with the Jets and a bunch of other teams, before losing his shirt to a crooked broker.
Bouncing around to fake teams that will never win the Super Bowl — such as the Eagles [update — they won the Super Bowl, so this should now say Lions], Sanchez managed to stay positive:
“It has been my dream since I was just a little kid to play in the NFL … I can’t tell you how excited I am for this dream to come true.”
But now he scrapes the bottom of the barrel as the possible starter for the SuperBowl Champion Denver Broncos. There is no where to go butt up from here.
So I have hatched a foolproof plan to win Mark Sanchez the fame and fortune his shining star has been missing — and it’s all about fumbling with some butt’s.
- Step 1 is simple. Wikipedia tells us that Mark Sanchez is an avid fan of musical theater. So lets put those dancing shoes to work Mark as we write, direct, & star in BUTTFUMBLE: THE MUSICAL. And just to get it started I wrote the tagline that will help this thing “kick off.”
This Summer Let Mark Sanchez Butt Fumble His Way Into Your Heart…ON BROADWAY!!!!!!!!!!!
The Musical turns into a bunch of film opportunities for the Sanchize:
Butt-Fumbles Great Adventure
Butt-Fumble Goes West.
Butt-Fumble and Louise
Anywhere But Fumble
2. BUTTFUMBLE: THE MUSICAL is obviously a huge success and is turned into a TV show. The show is about young Mark Sanchez, butt fumbling his way through his teen years, with a coach that loves him, a coaches wife that is the hottest woman in the world, and a best friend that kills a guy for no reason during the season 2 writers strike. That’s right, step 2 is the TV Show:
FUMBLE NIGHT LIGHTS
because goddammit there needs to be more Friday Night Lights, and Mark is just the guy to revitalize the “Sanchize.”
Episode 1 might go something like this:
Coach Riggans: You can do it Mark.
Sanchize: But..
Coach Riggans: No buts Mark, No buts.
Sanchize: You’ll see coach, one day I am going to make butt’s the biggest part of the game. The world will talk about my but’s.
Coach Riggans: Texas forever Mark. Now come back to bed.
3. FUMBLE NIGHT LIGHTS(or FUNLI as real fans call it) is on the air for five wonderful seasons of syndication and Sanchez is finally back on top (or bottom, whichever he prefers). But there is one final step to billions, because right now we are only at millions.
Mark Sanchez in the series finale of FUNLI writes the closing song. And it starts a musical revolution. The song is meandering, and emo, with almost no direction but lots of emotion and meaningless youthful drivel as the characters on the show would want it.
And a new musical genre is born: FUMBLECORE.
Sanchez is on the road for the rest of his life, playing Fumblecore music to his adoring fans.
And that is how you make a billion dollars. Mic dropped.
