Billionaires Are Hoarders
And they need help.
When you walk into one of the homes of a billionaire, it would be difficult — if not impossible — to tell they have a serious hoarding problem.
Instead, on the surface, the palatial abodes seem more like pinnacles of the American dream, mighty erections that could only logically be due to consistent hard work. Their starting bank account balance of a single zero slowly but surely climbed to nine zeroes, and it’s pretty incredible how far someone can get without being born with any advantages or connections to get them to where they are today.
But with all that elbow grease comes a dark, dark price.
Billionaires are a different breed of hoarders. Us “poories” are defined as hoarders when we have a dozen more bird feeders than we need or keep dead cats in our freezer. Depressing reality TV shows are made about us where cleanup crews and mental health professionals come in, go through our stuff, and ask why we need this decade-old paper plate, a shard of a cheap handheld mirror, or an extension cord that’s missing both the female and male end.
“That paper plate is the last thing my grandmother ate out of before she passed away.”
“My kids might need that frozen cat if they’re in a tight spot.”
“I might need that mirror shard to cut my own throat once they enforce the Eviction Notice I received because the place I call home is a biohazard, and they’re going to make me leave over my dead body.”
No, billionaires don’t have to step over anything to get from their servant’s quarters to their elevator, which they take to their third-story indoor/outdoor balcony pool. They’re the ones who send out the Eviction Notices, not receive them.
Instead, they keep evidence of their diagnosable compulsion disorder in bank accounts both domestic and overseas, as well as tied up in property, commodities, and other business interests that tickle a “richie’s” fancy.
I’d like to see a mental health professional go through a billionaire’s assets and ask why they need what they have one by one. You can bet the hoarder within them would really come out:
“I see here you have six houses. What if you sold two and gave the money to medical research? Would that be okay?” the genuinely concerned psychiatrist would ask in a soft, calming tone.
“But then I would have four houses,” they would respond, voice cold and flat like a serial-killing robot. “I really feel like I need six.”
They would continue: “Why wouldn’t one buy a $1.8 million bottle of champagne if one could?”
“It is a bit extravagant, but I’m just so accustomed to privacy, I need an entire plane.”
Being aware of the number of people they could help both indirectly and directly if they just gave up some of what they have psychotically hoarded and were worth eight zeroes instead of nine makes it difficult to feel sympathy, but it’s important to remember that billionaires are not well.
They’re sick, and they need help.
And I know some of you are thinking: “Hey! A lot of billionaires are very generous and give away a lot of money to charities.”
If you engage in philanthropic endeavors but maintain a net worth of over a billion dollars, you’re not generous, you’re just keeping the dogs at bay.
Well, most of the dogs, but not this mangy mutt.
