Are You a Kitten or a Grand Piano Strapped to an Elephant Carrying a Steamer Truck Filled with Cinder Blocks?

The following is an excerpt of an email I wrote to a friend after drinking too much coffee. Please enjoy:

Speaking of fat, I weighed myself this morning. I’m on this new kick where I wake up feeling fat and hating myself and then in an odd masochistic twist, I decide to weigh myself. At this point I generally get very confused because I no longer have the ability to perceive weight via the English system, so the scale might as well say “Your weight: Rainbow.” It’s like having a stroke where certain words or images are no longer recognizable. I have that but with pounds. Weird right?

I weigh rainbow! My ideal weight! At last!

Actually, I think I might be onto a new invention here… a scale that, instead of stupid numbers, just has little pictures of unicorns, dolphins, rainbows, kittens, etc.

Don’t steal this idea.

Of course I guess if you got up one morning and used the new “I’m Pretty So Fuck Off” scale and it registered “dolphin,” that might just be another way of saying “whale.”

Ooooh, now the ideas are pouring in! What about a scale that’s intentionally mean? Say instead of numbers or kittens etc., you have things like Godzilla, a Semi truck with double trailer, Jabba the Hutt wearing a backpack filled with marbles. That could be awesome. I mean think about it. You already feel like a giant sack of watermelons, so you step on the scale and it confirms you’re worst fears, “Your weight: Cement truck buried under the rubble of a large building, with a herd of sea lions sun bathing on top.”

Feel better? Yeah, not really. But if I had that scale I would weigh myself daily then report my weight because… it would be funny and I’ve already given up any hope of wearing a swimsuit without Spanx ever again.

I’m pretty, so fuck off.
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