Aaaaand Elizabeth Warren Calls Karen Gillibrand a Slut

Take the phone away from the children

If 1984’s two minutes of hate was rehashed in Silicon Valley for robotic, reactionary, uncritical sacks of meat with eyes, it would be called Twitter. Full of partisan tribalistic hatred and phony journalism of which readers only read the headline (studies show) and celebrities can prove what good people they are by shilling for the political establishment (wow, the beat generation must be proud). It’s the perfect place for our self congratulating, self important narcissistic politicians to sling feces at each other for the yipping and hollering of their sycophants.

As I’m not a fan of the vast majority of these bureaucratic nerds, nor of thought toilets like Twitter, I very rarely bother with all of incessant uproars over he-said-she-said gossip because I’d usually rather drill a 7/32 drill bit through my urethra than participate in gossip about people I wouldn’t offer the Heimlich maneuver on (okay, I probably would if I found myself eating at the “Other Politicians and Lobbyists Ass Buffet). However, I saw something so damn stupid, I got sucked right in.

First of all, “the Left’s” inability to get it has gotten ridiculous. By it I mean the way he and the merry pranksters of the internet bait them and are always laughing last. When Bush said “fool me…you can’t get fooled again,” is a lesson not learned, as the left is basically South Park’s Kanye West who just can’t seem to get the “fish dicks” joke. Just get it already, I think to myself when I consistently see the simple bait and hook.

So, Trump responded to a Karen Gillibrand tweet saying there’s some shit about “accusers,” and he delivers a fresh piece of bait he knows is going to have his opponents foaming at the mouth, including every “news” organization.

He knew exactly what he was doing with the “would do anything” comment; outrage the outrage machine like pavlov’s dog while his fans laugh at “triggering the snowflakes.” 87 articles saying “Trump’s Problematic bla bla bla” gets all your clicks and ad dollars and does nothing to him. But, no, take no effort in beating him at his own game, just keep being the cat who keeps thinking a cucumber is a snake on those viral videos, several times per week for the next three years until you lose again and repeat. Maybe by that time you’ll have crafted more “phobe” words.

If you don’t know who Gillibrand is, she’s a staunch opponent of men who assault women.

“Listen and believe women, unless the perpetrator can help my political career”

Or maybe not. Turns out she’s a posturing political prostitute, possibly the same type who would beg a millionaire for money in exchange for political favors and then later act as some morally superior champion of women to beef up your public image.

But the best part is yet to come; Elizabeth Warren called Karen Gillibrand a slut on Twitter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, there’s four options here.

1. Elizabeth Warren thinks Gillibrand fucked Trump for campaign donations, but it’s wrong to call her a slut, let a girl get her fuck on woot woot
2. Warren is autistic and doesn’t fully grasp the nuance of what she’s saying
3. Warren is a Chatty Cathy Doll with recordings of textbook partisan platitudes and focus group “youngster talk”
4. She’s a fucking IDIOT

I’m going with #4. First, I don’t blame her. I know that growing up on the reservation is a totally different culture. An intern probably showed her video of the Slut Walk and now she’s hip-with-it-and-wow and knows that the kids call being a meanie to a woman is “slut shaming.” I can see her leaning over to a female colleague in the senate and saying “did you know we’re all calling ourselves sluts now? How neat is that?”

And of course she’s not an idiot. She was smart enough to claim she was a minority to advance her career. She was smart enough to frame herself as some sort of champion of the poor while having a net worth of $8.75 million. She made a name for herself yelling about Wall Street greed so she could help frame the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau, an act so unconstitutional, the US Court of Appeals responded:

The CFPB’s concentration of enormous executive power in a single, unaccountable, unchecked Director not only departs from settled historical practice, but also poses a far greater risk of arbitrary decision making and abuse of power, and a far greater threat to individual liberty, than does a multi-member independent agency. In short, when measured in terms of unilateral power, the Director of the CFPB is the single most powerful official in the entire U.S. Government, other than the President. Indeed, within his jurisdiction, the Director of the CFPB can be considered even more powerful than the President. It is the Director’s view of consumer protection law that prevails over all others. In essence, the Director is the President of Consumer Finance.

So, it gives more unilateral power to a Director, more powerful than the elected president, who would be a threat to freedom and risks abusing power? Sounds real liberal!

I thought the GOP was a clown car of freaks after 2008, but the DNC is just FUBAR. The data on their failure is all right here on Al Gore’s invention! Are you socialists now? Neo-liberal globalists? Progressives? Intersectional communist otherkin? Stalinists (with that CFPB? looks like it)? Learn how you’re being fucked with. Maybe reflect on why millions are laughing at you. Figure out a cohesive identity to at least masquerade as (while you will get to be crony shills), and try again at the appropriate time. Might want to sit out 2020 with this current crop.

Bob Svagene is the head typeface engineer at Totally Not a Russian Front and frequent lecturer of people who leave their god damn carts in the middle of the grocery aisle, and includes one easter egg of shitposting in every article that nobody ever finds.